Help for Abused and Battered Women

A woman who is the victim of an abusive partner may feel a sense of hopelessness. It doesn’t matter how many times those who have not been in that position say ‘Just leave him.’ It often isn’t that easy.

Many who are in such a situation either don’t want to leave, or feel unable to do so. A battered woman might retain feelings of love for her partner and cling to the hope that the relationship can be rescued, that he will change his behavior and keep his promise never to do it again. Or, she may have become so isolated from friends and family that she simply doesn’t have the confidence to walk away, feeling that she has no access to a support network should she do so.

Financial concerns too, can prevent a woman from escaping an abusive relationship. Many abusers

restrict their partner’s access to money, in order to assert greater control. A woman who has no independent resources often feels unable to leave because she has nowhere to live or no money to support herself and her children. It’s all very frightening.

But, whether you are ready to walk away and start again or not, help and support can be found. If you have chosen to stay (either as a short or long term choice) or if you are ready to leave, there are people and organisations that can advise and support you. If you stay, there are measures that you can take to protect yourself, and there is help available for your partner to address his problems should be be prepared to do so. If you want to leave, even if you have no money, there are crisis centres, shelters that can accommodate you and your children and even help to train for a new job or to find work. Financial aid can also be provided to help you get back on your feet.
There is always something that can be done, so there’s no need to feel isolated and afraid.

Making the decision to leave an abusive relationship

One of the hardest things you have to do is to make a clear and rational decision about whether or not to leave an abusive partner. To those on the outside, it can all seem very simple. A confident woman who has never been in an abusive relationship and who has her own network of friends and family and her own financial resources will often be unable to see why anyone would not just get up and leave. But there are many reasons why an abused woman can find this difficult or impossible to do. However, if you are in an abusive relationship, clear and rational thinking is vital so that you can make the right choice. To start with, you need to b very clear in understanding that you are in no way to blame for your situation. No woman deserves to be battered and frightened by her partner, no matter what he may tell her. Every woman has a right to feel safe and to be treated with respect. So do her children. And, every woman has access to help, support and a place of safety. When you consider your options, remember those points. Then ask yourself the following questions, and think carefully about the answers.

  • Are you clinging to the hope that your partner can change and the abuse will stop? Sadly, most abusers do not change their destructive behaviour. Once locked into a cycle of abuse, a man tends to re-offend and re-offend, often to more and more violent levels. Change is only possible with the right help and support (usually as part of a programme delivered by professionally trained workers) and can only ever take place when the man has fully accepted the responsibility for his behaviour. As long as he is still making excuses, placing the blame on you or his parents, or belittling the seriousness of his abuse, he will not be able to stop.
  • Do you feel responsible for your partner’s problems? A lot of abused women feel that their partner is their personal responsibility, and that it is their duty to stay and help him to solve his problems even if this man’s being scared, injured and putting their family at risk. If you still care for him (and abuse doesn’t always kill the love a woman feels for her man) it isn’t easy to walk away and let him face his problems alone. But, it can be the only way to truly give him the chance to change. If you stay, and continue allowing him to abuse you, you are actually just reinforcing his behaviour and his belief that in some way, what he is doing is OK.  Leaving, and showing him that abuse is not acceptable may just be the trigger he needs to seek help.
  • Are you tempted to stay because he has promised to stop the abuse? Promises to stop are in fact usually just a part of the cycle of abuse. After a violent episode, many abusers feel an intense sense of guilt about their behaviour. Without addressing the real problems or accepting responsibility, a man will promise his partner that he will never do it again.  He may be frightened that he has gone to far, and will say anything to prevent you from leaving. He may believe what he is saying, at the time. However, until he actually accepts full blame for his actions and seeks proper help, the chances are very strong that the cycle will resume in time as the fear of your leaving recedes and he wants to reassert control.
  • Are you staying because he is undergoing counselling? It can be very tough to walk away from a relationship when the abuser has taken the step of undergoing counselling. After all, he has made that commitment, hasn’t he? Taking counselling is indeed a great step, and it can be the start of better things. However, just because a man is undergoing a programme of help to end his abuse, it doesn’t mean that the abuse will necessarily stop. To help you decide whether or not to leave if you are in this situation, you need to take a long, hard look at your partner’s current behaviour and attitudes. Has he really accepted full responsibility for what has been happening in your relationship? Has he stopped trying to control you, even in the subtle ways? Abusive behaviour can be very difficult to change, and even men who commit to help programmes may not ultimately change. If you really want to stay with him, a compromise might be to move away temporarily, continuing to see him only in safe situations.
  • Are you afraid to leave him? Many women are afraid to leave an abusive partner, particularly if the abuse is very violent and if threats are made. Walking away from a man who threatens to kill you or to harm your children if you leave him is a very scary thing to do. However, this is the sort of situation that should tell you it is essential that you leave. You cannot put the safety of yourself and your children at this sort of risk. If he threatens to kill you if you leave, he is capable of doing exactly that if you stay.There are emergency measures in place to protect you and your children. You can find a place to live in a refuge, along with your children, and your whereabouts can be kept secret from him.
  • Are you worried that you can’t afford to leave? Many abused women have no access to their own finances and feel trapped because of this. Walking into an unknown future with no money, nowhere to live and no prospects for the future can be terrifying, so many women  remain in the abusive relationship because they feel they have no choice. But, you do have a choice. Refuges and shelters for abused and battered women offer not just a safe place to stay, but can help with training, education and finding work. You can be granted financial assistance for the short term too. So, no woman needs to stay in an abusive relationship because of financial constraints.

Is your partner really changing his attitudes and behaviour?

When deciding whether or not to leave your partner, you need to see the truth about his promises to change. With the right help and attitude, some men can actually make the necessary changes to stop abusive behaviour. However, it is a sad fact that the majority do not succeed. So, if he has promised to change, take a long, cool look at what is actually happening before you accept his promises. Ask yourself these questions:

  • Does he still make excuses for his behaviour? If so, he is not ready to change. An abusive man can’t stop his behaviour unless he changes his whole attitude and accepts the full responsibility for his actions.
  • Does he still make light of his abuse? Until he is able to see that his abuse is serious and stops minimising it, he will not change.
  • Does he still place some or all of the blame on you for what has happened? No woman is to blame for a man abusing her, and he will not stop abusing you as long as he claims otherwise.
  • Does he try to get you to go to couple’s counselling? It may seem like a positive step on his behalf, but actually asking or pressurising you to go to couple’s counselling only reinforces his belief that you share the blame for the abuse. It is his problem, and he has to accept that before he can move on.
  • Does he pressure you to stay with him? If he says that you ‘owe’ him a second (or third, fourth or final) chance, he is still not accepting that all the blame is his. Even if he tells you that he needs you to stay with him in order to change, it’s a sign that he is not actually altering the core beliefs that cause him to be abusive.
  • Does he attend the counselling regularly and take it seriously? If not, or if you have to push him to go, he is not really committed to change.
  • Does he try to enlist sympathy for his situation from you, or from family and friends? Again, if so, it’s a sign that he is not able to accept full responsibility.
  • Does he impose conditions on his getting counselling? Perhaps he says he will get help if you promise to stop going out with your friends, or any similar suggestion? If he does this, he is simply perpetuating his controlling behaviour and will not change.
  • Does he put pressure on you to make a decision about the future of your relationship? Again, this is a symptom of his need to control you and shows that he is not yet making changes.

How to stay safe in an abusive relationship

You may not yet be ready to make the decision to leave your abusive partner, for a variety of reasons. That’s OK: It’s an important decision and one that you can only make as and when you feel ready. However, it is important to know that there are things that you can do to minimise the risks to yourself and your children, and to stay safe.

  • Recognise the triggers to abuse: You will quickly realise that there are certain triggers to your partner’s anger and abuse, and clear signs that he is entering an abusive phase. Try to avoid the triggers. If the conversation strays to a subject that you know may make him angry, try to change the topic. If you can’t, or if the signs are clear that he is becoming abusive, have a set of excuses ready that allow you to leave the house and keep out of his way. Maybe you can text a friend secretly and ask them to call you with a invitation to go to see them? Or invent an appointment, or even go shopping!
  • Find safe places in the house: If you can’t get away when he becomes abusive, make sure that you have decided the safest areas of your home to retreat to in an emergency. These may be rooms where there is a phone line, so that you can call for help, or a door or window through which you can escape. Try to avoid locking yourself into a room that has no clear line of escape or communication with the rest of the world.
  • Develop a secret code: This is not as extreme as it sounds. If you want to let your friends, children or  other supporters know that you are likely to be in trouble, it helps if you have a secret word or phrase that you can use that they recognise but that will not alert your partner to the fact that you are enlisting help. Because abusers need to control their partners, they are very resentful of your friends. They also will do anything to keep you from revealing the extent of the abuse to others.
  • Plan an escape routine: In the event of your partner becoming seriously abusive, it’s important that you have an escape plan ready to activate. If you have a car, make sure it is accessible and ready to leave quickly. Never allow your partner to block your car’s exit to your driveway. If he dos this, make an excuse to go out and park the car in a more accessible spot on your return. Also, never leave the car without sufficient fuel for you to get to a place of safety. Have an extra car key cut and keep it where your partner can’t find it.
  • Practice the escape with your children: If you have children, practising the routine of escape can make all the difference. Children can panic, understandably, but if they have spent time practising an escape routine they are more likely to remain calm if the time comes to do it for real.
  • Keep some essentials at a friend’s house: In case you have to leave in a hurry, it’s helpful to have some essentials…like a change of clothes, toiletries, money and important paperwork at a friend’s place.
  • Have a list of emergency contacts: If you don’t think that you can successfully hide such a list, try to commit the most important numbers to memory. These emergency contacts may be friends, crisis centres or women’s refuges or local or  national helplines.  Remember, in an emergency you can always call 911 (US), or 999 (UK).

It can also be helpful to make an initial contact with the nearest domestic violence programme in your locality. Tell them that you are still with your partner, but that you believe you may be at risk. They can provide advice and support while you are still in your relationship as well as help if you decide to leave. To keep yourself as strong as possible it is also a good idea to try to retain your own friends and activities outside the home. This can act both as a support network should the violence escalate and also as a mechanism to help you retain your self belief. Look after yourself too. Treat yourself is possible, and keep a positive attitude towards yourself. Reaffirm regularly to yourself that you are not at fault, and that you deserve a life free of abuse and fear.

Precautions to protect your privacy

A woman who is being abused in a relationship may feel that she is afraid to seek help for fear that her partner may find out and retaliate with more abuse. This can be a real worry. Abusers often see any attempt to seek outside help as a betrayal, and can become very angry. They are also frequently frightened of the consequences for themselves, as they could be taken to court for assault. Finally, if your partner finds out who you have been calling for help after you have left, he may be able to trace your whereabouts.
So, protecting your privacy is vital. The following advice shows you how to cover your tracks whether you are calling by telephone for help or using internet sites and email.

Telephone privacy

  • Corded telephones are safer than cordless phones. So, if possible, make sure there is at least one corded phone in the house that you can use.
  • Use a public call box outside the home if you can.
  • If you use a home telephone, take steps to prevent the records of your calls for help showing up on future bills. Many abusive, controlling partners check up on their wives by reading the telephone bills. To avoid this, you can ‘call collect’ (US) or ‘reverse the charges’ (UK).  Here’s how it works:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Collect_call
  • Guard your cellphone (mobile phone) carefully. Your partner may be able to use it as a tracking device through GPS, or have a connection made to his own cellphone to intercept your calls.
  • Keep a spare mobile phone that s on a Pay As You Go tariff that your partner doesn’t know about. A phone that looks identical to your usual cell phone is a good idea, in case your partner happens to see it. It is possible that a shelter or domestic violence help centre might be able to provide you with a cellphone for emergency use.

Internet Privacy

  • Remember that it is almost impossible to delete all traces of sites you have visited on the internet from your computer, or of emails you have sent.
  • If at all possible, when contacting domestic violence helplines or centres, or when emailing friends about your abusive relationship, use a safe computer. This means a computer that is outside the home, and that your partner does not have access to. This can be a computer at work, one belonging to a sympathetic and trusted friend, or a computer in an internet café. Libraries and some domestic violence shelters or crisis centres may also have public use computers.
  • If you do email from your home computer or a laptop your partner knows about, take care. Even deleted emails and instant messages are retrievable if the person knows how. If you don’t have access to another computer outside your home, try to create a secret email account in addition to your normal one. Use a completely different name, and choose passwords that your partner will not be able to guess.
  • Change your passwords and user names for all important things like bank accounts and social networking sites too. Again, avoid choosing any words or names that your partner might guess or associate with you.

Is your partner watching you secretly?

There can be no end to the lengths that a controlling, abusive partner will go to to keep a tack on your behaviour. Be aware that even simple devices like baby listening devices can be used to monitor your movements and conversations. If your car has a built in GPS, your partner can find out where you have been using this. Check your car, pockets and bags for ‘planted’ GPS devices as well. If you find that he has planted tacking devices, don’t rush to remove them as this will only alert him that you are onto him. Leave them in place until yo are ready to make a move and leave. Just be aware of them in the meantime and do nothing that will anger him or give away your moves and intentions

Domestic Violence Shelters or Refuges

All abused women should know about Domestic Violence Shelters because they can be life savers.  A Domestic Violence Shelter (sometimes also called a Women’s Shelter or Refuge) is a place where you can go, usually along with your children, and stay in safety when you need to escape an abusive relationship. All basic needs are catered for in a shelter, with food, a place to sleep and keep your belongings and childcare offered.  Shelters are not intended to be a permanent or long term answer, but a stepping stone on the way to an independent, safer life. They vary in the extra services they can offer, but all should be able to put you in touch with the right people and organisations you need to establish a new life. Services that should be available include:

  • Counselling
  • Legal advice
  • Support groups
  • Counselling and support for children
  • Employment and training programmes to help you find work
  • Health services
  • Educational opportunities
  • Financial assistance

Your rights and privacy

A Domestic Violence Shelter may ask for your name, but you do not have to give your real name and details. If the shelter you go to is in your locality, giving a false name may help to prevent your ex partner from being able to trace you. Shelters usually do try to keep their location secret, and also do their best to protect the privacy of their residents, but taking your own extra safety measures can be advisable.

Staying safe after you have left an abusive partner

Leaving an abusive partner is not always the end of the story. It’s important to take precautionary measures to keep yourself safe even after you have left, especially in the early days. Here’s what you can do to stay safe:

  • Move to a new town or area if at all possible. It isn’t easy, moving away from family and friends, but getting away from your partner and staying safe is paramount.
  • Change your children’s schools. Your ex partner will always have a way of finding you and you children if he knows where they go to school. He may turn up and try to catch you as you collect or drop off the children, or he may even try to snatch them himself. If you do have to keep the children at their old schools, make sure that the staff know the situation and understand that they must only allow the children to leave with you or a person who is nominated by you in person.
  • When you set up a new home, get an unlisted phone number.
  • Use a PO Box number for mail rather than your own name and address.
  • Change your bank, making sure that you have cancelled all the old accounts that your partner shared or knew of.
  • Change your routines. Remember that your partner knew you very well, and is aware of the route you take to work, where you socialise and the times that you usually come and go from the house. If you are staying in your old locality, it is even more important to alter these routines.
  • Change where you shop. Even going to the supermarket can be a problem if your partner knows where you habitually shop. Find a different supermarket, and shop at different times to avoid his finding you through this.
  • Always carry a cell phone that is ready to use. Never let your cell phone run out of charge or account balance so that you can call for help should your ex partner approach you. Programme in important numbers so you can call quickly, and remember that if you are in danger you can call 911 (US) or 999 (UK).

Restraining Orders

Another thing that you can do to protect yourself from a violent ex partner is to take out a restraining order on him. A Domestic Violence Helpline or Shelter should be able to put you in touch with a member of a legal team who can advise you on this. However, it’s also important to understand that a restraining order can only be acted upon if it is violated and reported. Also, restraining orders may be enforced differently in different localities. Some are quick to make an arrest, but others may simply issue a caution, leaving you still vulnerable.
If you live in the US, you can find out how a restraining order will work in your neighbourhood by calling 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or get in touch with your nearest Domestic Violence Coalition. If you live in the UK (where several different types of protective orders may be used), more information about restraining orders can be obtained from the Women’s Aid organisation. Telephone 0117 944 4411 or email incomprehensibility. (NB: The foregoing contacts are for obtaining information, not for emergency use. If you need urgent help in the UK, call 0808 200 247.

Recovering from abuse and moving on

It isn’t easy, recovering from an abusive relationship, but with the right help and support you can do it. Once you have followed the steps outlined above and set up your new life, you are ready to heal the scars, both mental and physical, and move forwards.

It is important not to assume that you can recover too quickly, however. Abuse can leave very deep emotional scars that stay long after the physical ones have healed. Make the most of your opportunities to have counselling or therapy, and be sure to attend support groups where possible. Keep in touch with supportive friends and family members too, as their help can be invaluable as you try to put the past behind you. Don’t rush into new relationships. Your judgement can be clouded by the trauma of what you have been through, and you need time to rediscover yourself and address your relationship needs before you become involved with a new man. Too many women plunge straight from one disastrous, abusive relationship into another if they don’t take time to heal first.

Resources

In an emergency you can call the number for the emergency services in your country. In the US it is 911, in the UK it is 999.

The following resources can be of help at various stages of dealing with an abusive relationship.

US:  National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
UK:  Women’s Aid: 0808 200 247.
Canada: National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-363-9010
Australia: 1800RESPECT 1800-737-732
Worldwide: Find your nearest services on http://www.hotpeachpages.net/

You can also find out more about local women’s shelters :

US: Womenslaw: http://www.womenslaw.org/gethelp_type.php?type_name=State%20and%20Local%20Programs
UK: Women’s Aid : http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100330002

NOTE for male victims of domestic abuse: Although this article is aimed at helping women victims of abuse, it is recognised that this is not an exclusively female issue. Men too can be victims of abuse. If you are a male victim, the following resources are for you:

In the US and Canada: The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women @ http://dahmw.org/

In the UK: Mankind @ http://www.mankind.org.uk/

In Australia: One in Three @ http://www.oneinthree.com.au/

  • Caroline Snider

    I don’t really know how the abuse started and who between my husband and myself was the most abused. Through sex denial, and even armed force from 1085 when he came home from the Navy. For the most part we kept him from taking his seniority rights such as holidays off, vacations, weekends, taking jobs and shift from those that really needed them that had less seniority under his UAW contract, and keeping him from going to war with those that higher political and social status, if he took something they wanted with his seniority. He did that one horrible morning two months after 911. He decided he was not backing off a job he wanted and the county commissioners son wanted. The commissioner was also the best friend to my husbands father.
    His father tried unsuccessfully to convince my husband letting the man with 15 years less seniority have the job and my husband staying on second shift on the job he had been doing since his return in 1985. My husband also told me I could drop dead for all he cared since I was not even considered his wife by many people any longer. He called me the community tramp. I had offered to normalizes our sex life, show him the greatest sex he would ever have, and go to bat to get him a holiday and vacation without the interference when he wanted them.
    He called me a liar that I had made the same promises over the last 16 years with no intention of keeping them and he did not believe I had any intention of keeping them now since I was the community girlfriend It had seemed I was making that same promise for every time he wanted a shift preference, a vacation when he wanted one. every holiday I had made the same promise for 12 years by that time. There were arguments that were embarrassing to the entire family that got so loud it bought the sheriff to our door. And him just telling my husband he could spend the holiday in jail or go to work his choice.
    Tha6t morning in 2001 he did not care what we bought to the4 door he was preparing to present the whole thing to a federal attorney fo civil rights violations both at work and at home. When the commissioners son, a man I was in a relationship with I did not think my husband knew about and two others came up on our porch and informed my husband he could take4 his name down in peace or in pieces My husbands answer was make me if you dare. They dared and ended up in trauma care the man that I had been in a relationship with being the one that the EMTs had to work on the most with his ribs driven into his heart,. and my husband soaked him down knowing he had to be shocked back. I understand he will never be right until a transplant is arranged that was 14 years ago. My husband then kicked the front door in on top of me walked in on top of it and informed me the next time I locked him out to get hurt he would personally see to my funeral and he walked out with a bag in hand intending to take that weekend off. There was an APB issued and they made him go in any way, He showed up with only two hours on the shift and a lot of people very upset with him but could do nothing about it.
    His father told me to never allow my husband any rights in life at all after that and most of the time on holidays and vacation slots he chose he was escorted to work under armed intimidation.. near the end of his work life nothing was scaring him, he snatched a shotgun out of one mans hands and used the butt on his face and drew down on his father and 2 others. it took security and a deputy that my husband considered his friend a half hour to talk him out of pulling the trigger, my husband wanted them to hurt even more and collected their weapons and had a machinists hammer bought out and he ruined 6000.00 in weaponry. the man he hit in the face was in surgery for 15 hours repairing the bone structure in his face. when we got home the thanks giving dinner we had worked so hard on was half eaten by my husband and the rest trashed and instead of him getting his usual holiday sandwhiches at the gate. The rest of us had to go to Denny’s at 130 the next morning. I felt it made my husband such a small minded person he would do that to get even with us for having him work all the holidays. By the next thanksgiving he was laying I rehab after getting MRSA in his spine, accusing us of stealing his life without feeling in his legs. I spent a lot of time in his room by my self under going his onslaught and me trying to tell him he could have just quit and vanished instead of putting up with everything. He asked me when I had ever heard of somebody leaving a job like the transmission plant ever getting a job that was better than dishwashing, I said after he was gone a few year5s he would have been declared dead and he could have taken a new ID We could have both been free me with his insurance money and him living the life he wanted. I said there were other options than what things came to. I never expected him to walk again and these things were said in rehab, he kept the fact even without feeling in his legs he was learning to walk again with. the help of a walker or a cane he carved himself, even the nurses there had been told of my husbands life and they even hated to let us visit him because it upset him so much. one time it was the day before leaving on the vacation trip we took every three years in 2012, this one was to Isreal. My husband said he would be out for the next trip in 2015. and he was going to be on that one. His father5 said you are ca cripple now Your spinal cord was crushed and we wont be set up to take care of a freak. I ran out the door and his father was backing out yelling put that down. It was hard to come up with the reason his father went with a bruised face after his son hit him square in the face with a stainless steel bed pan. Then him trooping in the door walking through everything into hell.
    I lost another Affair partner, My husband Really destroyed his face with his cane and fists, Then the night two weeks latter my husband came home and told me I was going to start being his wife. He was not going to do as I wanted and pick a place to meet after and event his father, myself his mother and his fathers best friend were going to. My husband first told me what I owed him for 31 years of financial support. What I had not returned for that support. such as children a clean home without paying soimeone or him doing the cleaning and lawn. He said the only meal I had fixed in 31 years that he had was the thanksgiving of 2008, he said he was tired of being my charity. He said I was going to start letting him have the life he expected that second or go out with nothing he bought on and stand in minus 40 wind chills aftrer5 he ripped a new dress off me. HE DID NOT FEEL ANY ONE HAD ANY THING TO SAY IN WHAT HE WAS ALLOWED AFTER 31 years, he was going to take what was due him from that day on. I thought begging him to consider he had notr had sex in over 31 years and in his present mood he could hurt me. He ju8st said I hope you enjoy it, A little while latter I got up hurting sore and crying after trying to resist. He tossed me the phone and told me not to clean up and call 911. he hoped I liked being unfunded after they arrested him for rape. he would need everything for his defense fund and after he was convicted the state would get everything and he hoped I had a good life. put his sweats on and went to answer the door to his fathers friend who tried to enter telling my husband to get his crippled rear out of his way and tried pushing him I heard tires scream. fathers friend screaming then a thud as he hit in the driveway face first and my husband mother came in> I could not understand how any one that had once told me he loved me could do this. His mother said everyone worked very hard to kill that love didn’t they, including me. I told her that I was just trying to help everyone including her son. He should have been proud of the things he had to give up helping others. He hated me, his father even his mother for turning a blind eye to what was going on. He felt betrayed by everyone that could have helped to stop it from the clergy on down.
    I really id think holding my husband down helped everyone, I just forgot my husband was human. everyone thought he was superman the man of steel. My husband said even steel has a breaking point. His father said well you have proved you are the uncivilized dirtbag everyone thought now that he raped me. And this spring the defiance came to the final point when my husband made sure his defiance was out front inviting himself on this years vacation. My husband knew that would bring some kind of response from his father. It was the intent to use a base ball bat on my husband to send him home. I had tried a compromise to get6 him the potion of going to Hawaii in three years. I said I would get him included then. He refused the compromise told me he was pulling my funding if he did not go this time and he broke his fathers neck over a vacation trip. and in pure defiance of his fathers wishes. I had a son from the rape two years ago. My husband is a good father except for not allowing his father to contact him or hold him. he barely tolerats his mother.
    And I wake up knowing there was something I could have done the first night he was home from the military. I could have taken his side. now as the investigation showed the ere have been over 30 men hurt Several of them co workers. when they tried pushing my husband around he even broke one mans back in the parking lot after refusing to work another shift after a 12 hour shift. He just looked at the guy and continued to walk to his car and the other man said don’t you turn your back on me and turned my husband who in turn just picked him up and threw him against a light pole. and left him screaming in the parking lot as he just drove off. In 31 years my husband worked every day but ten, 4 moving my things back from a storage shed in South Carolina after his discharge an six after the surgery to remove a brain tumor in july 2001. I cant help but feel that has something to do with the way my husband is now, Because that’s when he stopped all cooperation.

  • Mistreated

    Hi Peachz. I’m going through something similar. My husband does a lot of porn, chatting and meeting other women while Ibe at work. I confront him about it and he jumps on me and puts me out of our house. His mom lives with us too and just tonight he jumped on me cause some woman sent him naked pictures. I moved to his town and don’thave any place to go.

  • Brittany

    My daughters father tried to kill me Sunday. He has beat me before , I use to think it was my fault that I was the problem. He is now in jail awaiting prison. This time he laid hands on my children. I wish I could change the past, he can only hurt me in my dreams now. After my neck and face swelling and bruises all over, I left. I have nothing but I thank god my children and I are safe.

  • Amber Shepherd

    i cant get away i have no money, car, phone, family, or friends. there are no places i can go. i dont want this any more i need help and i dont know what to do. the county cant help me. i have only one choise and that is to kill myself and i cant even do that. I am to scared.

  • Caitlyn

    This is helpful but I still find myself needing a way out of my emotionally abusive home. I know physical abuse seems worse but I think I’d prefer that at this point. My mother drives me to the point of suicidal thoughts each day. I started a GoFundMe and anyone that helps I would be forever thankful to. My dream job is to help teens in my situation. gofund.me/pvefkvrh Thank you so much in advance.

  • I just want clean sheets and bath. The sheets I am laying in have been here since May ’15 and my bath was in June. And all the options that might be available to others that would allow me to escape a very difficult relationship situation do not apply to me as my wheelchair will not get me all the way there. I have checked for safe places that would allow me and my disability needs to no avail. I am literally just a disposable piece of crap like my husband tells me hourly. He is right and I am getting to the end of my patience and hope. I am not old enough to get meals on wheels for two more years so I can only eat when he lets me and hope I don’t starve before I qualify for that help, I am not a veteran but was a military dependent and moved every year for 14 years while my first husband was active duty but I don’t qualify for anything since the 1985 divorce. I was not injured in a car accident so there’s no help there, my injury cannot be seen on an x-ray so the company I worked for in 199 when I was injured is not liable even though all the injury reports were filed exactly as required and I showed for every hearing since I lived in my car for three years after they fired me but they canceled 11 times. My family is abusive which explains why I am always choosing an abusive relationship and my husband took away my car to trade in on one of his own for which I am not allowed to have keys. I am mostly bedridden and cannot hear on the phone but there is no way to get TTY here since we no longer have land lines as of Jan 1 2016. I am totally up s%&&%^ creek without a paddle and even if I did have one it wouldn’t help much. I really hope that my maker would hurry up and decide my time here is done, I have no hope for anything to change except for me to die. And actually at this stage of the game, I just want to be done with all the struggles..

  • Erin

    https://www.gofundme.com/leavinganabuser
    Merry Christmas! I am in desperate need of some help. I got a PFA against my husband after trying to leave so many times, this process is not easy. He’s fighting me in court for unsupervised visitstion, which has not been given to him yet. My credit cards are maxed out and the fight isn’t over. Need help paying attorney fees, I don’t qualify for a free attorney with any programs, he’s not paying any child support and I am taking care of my 9, 7 and 1 year old alone financially. Please, if you find it in your heart, please donate to my go fund me page. EVERYTHING is going to my attorney to keep my baby safe. The story is much worse, but it would take a book to explain it all. God Bless!!!

  • Belinda

    Leaving after 22 years of mental and physical abuse has been the toughest battle I’ve had to pick. I wasn’t from this country so I couldn’t leave. I have 3 children grown now there been through so much pain with me because of my fear.. He was cheating, verbally abusive, physically intimidating. I couldn’t see or speak to my friends and family in time I learned to do what he wanted to avoid being humiliated or start a fight for my children’s sake. My kids and I moved out I finally have a wonderful job I worked hard to get. I could afford to move out my children are now tainted because I was afraid to leave. I need help . I’ve triggered his evilness he has threatened to kill who ever comes near me and my son has had to physically remove him off of me from attacks. I left but yet a hostage I remain afraid. I am filing for divorce and hope my children will soon have the peace they deserve.I wish I wasn’t afraid I wish I could just be free.
    Controlling spouses can manipulate you and know your worst fears. They are charming and deceiving.

  • kim

    I was just recently in an abusive relationship. I was able to leave, but am struggling on my rent of an apartment that i’m still signed to. Is there any possible way i could get any assistance with getting out of my lease?

  • Vanessa

    I left my partner after he choked me and pushed me up against the wall while holding our 5 month old son. I am now feeling helpless and as tho I have no rights as a victim, family court has given him supervised visits 8 hours every Saturday. He triesaid to contact me regarding our son I am deathly afraid of him the courts have also said he has the right to know my address because it’s where his son lives. I don’t know what I can do.

  • Jackie Blue

    Same here and there is no help to get out! All I need is money. He is dragging me down and costing me and loving destroying me and proving he hates me. All he does is drink and prove he hates. It’s all my fault. I am a piece of shit. I did nothing right. Everything wrong.

  • Jackie Blue

    Sometimes the shelter route is worse

  • Brooklynbreed

    how is it that all of the sites and resources and programs etc…seem to touch on almost everything except for say you made a plan got a housing voucher, waited the year you have to before you can port out of state bcuz your abuser moved you half way across the country to isolate you, he can’t take the kids, etc… just need help raising money to move back home with your ported voucher so you and your kids don’t have to lose everything to your abuser? After all haven’t they taken enough? I just wanna take my autistic son & unborn child and get out of TX and back home to NJ where we will be safe and happy and can finally start healing.

  • IwannabFree

    My husband is so abusive he told me in the beginning if he ever had to put his hands on a woman then he would just leave. I’m covered in bruises every day , he too goes out and cheats, lies tells me he hates me but won’t let me leave , he takes my money, and both my parents died two months apart, and I really feel he did it cause after they died hes been beating the shit out of me, I can’t even leave the house he locks me in and the windows have steel bars on them. I hate this life for me aND my kids

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