Profile of a Domestic Abuser

An abuser can be anyone and everyone. Here are some things to keep in mind about The Abuser:

  • The first thing to know about any abuser is that he is a normal man.
  • There is nothing unusual about him, nothing to indicate he is an abuser.
  • Every abuser believes he has a right to control a woman. Their need to control is far greater than his capacity for love of the woman or the children.
  • Abusers don’t forget about their abuse, they just deny it.
  • Abusers minimize the impact and effect of their abuse. They make it less than it is which makes us feel that we are over reacting.
  • Abusers blame their partner for their abuse. They may blame alcohol, drugs, their parents, their job anything but themselves to justify their behavior.
  • Abusers tend to associate with other abusive men. They invite support for their abuse from other people.

Beliefs of Abusers

  1. Anger causes violence!
  2. Women are manipulative!
  3. If I don’t control her, she’ll control me!
  4. Smashing things isn’t abusive, it’s venting!
  5. Sometimes there’s no alternative to violence!
  6. Women are just as abusive as men!
  7. Women want to be dominated by men!
  8. Somebody has to be in charge!
  9. Jealousy is natural to men!
  10. Violence is a breakdown in communications!
  11. Men can’t change if women won’t!

Just How Dangerous is He?

  • If he threatens to kill you, himself, your family, accept the fact that if he gets desperate enough, he just might.
  • Does he ever fantasize or ‘joke’ about killing you, himself or a family member? The more often he fantasizes or the more evolved and thought out the fantasy is, the more likely he is to act it out.
  • Is he depressed? If he becomes acutely depressed, to the point he feels there is no point in living (for anyone) Watch out!
  • Is he a drug user? If he gets drunk or high and then starts to fantasize about killing, he is more likely to do it.
  • How is his temper? Does he fly off into terrifying rages?
  • Does he have a gun or other weapon? Has he threatened to use it against you? Access to a weapon while drunk, high or simply enraged could prove lethal.
  • Is he obsessively jealous or controlling? Does he view you as his property? This kind of person will not let go easily and is likely to harass, stalk and threaten you after you have left.
  • Is he cruel to pets, siblings? If so consider he feels it’s OK to abuser those he deems weaker than himself. That includes you.

If any of the above apply to your situation, call your local crisis center TODAY.

  • beachmom H

    Women are abusers too

    • Mimi

      Yes in like 2% of all cases worldwide. It is hardly a phenomenon.

    • DamfinoMel

      That’s not the point of that statement being included. Did you notice how it also said the abuser justifies “smashing things isn’t abuse, it’s just venting” too? As in, the whole list is justifications/excuses for the abuser’s actions?
      You’re essentially arguing with a pretend narcissistic abuser with this comment. No need to SJW out on a domestic abuse site over abuse equality as if men experience everything women experience in equal proportion and are ignored because men are oppressed and underrepresented in our patriarchal society. Yes, it happens to men. Shifting focus away from the segment of the population experiencing the vast majority of it due to societal ingrained views about women being subservient and general oppression for centuries every time it comes up is not social justice, lol. Just as it wouldn’t be if every time we heard about a black person being abused or killed by cops yet again, someone commented about how cops have and do kill white people…