I have known my best friend for half of my life and I love her but regardless of age she has always picked relationships with men with troubled pasts. She has been with alcoholics, sexually abused men and men who were abandoned by their parents. Her parents had troubled relationship together and since their divorce they have also managed to get into troubled relationships so neither of them ever try to guide her out of this pattern. I am worried and I don’t know how to get through to her.
My friend’s boyfriend purposed to her in October. He was sexually abused by his brother as a child and has relationship trust issues and sexual issues in his relationship with my friend as well as his ex-wife. He isn’t physically abusive, but I believe he is emotionally abusive. For example he wants their relationship to be open so he can sleep with other people. She didn’t want this so he ended the relationship. She took him back and agreed as long as he was safe and honest with her then the relationship could be open. One weekend a close friend of her who had just died had a funeral. He told her he had to go see family when in fact he took another woman out of town for a holiday weekend and had unprotected sex with her. He was so angry when he came back after this that he slept with someone else and she had not that he pressured her to sleep with another man. When she didn’t he ended it. She then went and slept with another man and told him about it and he promptly got angry and jealous and told her he could imagine having her as a girlfriend after something like that. On another occasion, my friend had a problem with cocaine problem when she was younger, now he keeps pressuring her to use again and when she refused he bought cocaine and kept it at the house and continued to pressure her until she did it. The day after they did it he dumped her because he didn’t like the addictive side to her and didn’t want to be with someone with that dark side in their personality. My friend has also had problems with her brain (a bad car accident and concussion revealed multiple cysts on her brain) one night she passes out due to heat and having extra sensitivity due to her other brain issues and he refused to come help me with her because he told me he couldn’t be bothered to come down because he has a long day so I had to carry her to my car alone and take her to a hospital. He has spied on her and gone through her personal messages and phone, in the 2 years they have been together he has broken up with her almost every other month, they have been to counseling and the therapist they same told both of them that he was worried about the way he treated her. They were doing well for a little while after the counseling, since there hadn’t been any problems he went out of town to visit his home tome and came back and informed her that he felt the need to sleep with his male best friend almost like he had to sabotage the fact that they had been getting along for almost two whole mothers. She likes to brag that she is made for him since she, unlike all his other women, is made of steel and can take whatever he deals out. No matter what happens though, he always manages to convince her it is all her fault. When he purposed, it was so negative that she though he was ending it yet again. Since he purposed in October he has already broken it off at least once. They were due to have an engagement party this weekend, for the past month he has refused to touch her (hugs, kisses and any sex) or even be kind with her and has been sleeping in the other room. My friend finally had enough and was angry enough to call off the engagement party this week because yet again he says he needs to have unprotected sex (apparently he can’t get it up with a condom) with new women. I was really proud and happy she finally stood her ground.
Then today I was supposed to see her and she has been avoiding my calls and text messages. This is something she does every time they get back together. When I finally talked to her she said she couldn;t see me because she needed to think about her situation and decide what to do. She said she thinks she put to much pressure on him and that she wished she didn’t call it off since now he is being nice. Which, of course, is always what he does every time she almost walks away. I don’t know what to say to her anymore. I don’t like being around him and when they are “on” I am often stuck with having this person in my life as well. I want the best for my friend but I feel like I have talked to her about this till I am blue in the face. I have tried to be blunt about it, I have tried to be loving and supportive, I have talked about him, and spent months where I refused to talk about him with her, I have tried to befriend him, I have tried tough love, but it doesn’t matter she goes back to him every time. I am at a point where i want to cut her out of my life simply because I have such a hard time watching it but don’t want to loose a friendship I have had for 15years due to my hating her man but it hurts to watch. I am at my wits end, any advice would be appreciated.